Im trying to do this at work where everything is blocked and I prolly shouldn't be even thinking about writing.. but augh.. my brain is about to explode and I can't do my job very well with all of this in it... and I duno I just need to talk I guess.. even if it's to myself... to an 'online blog' haha... anything.

It's funny how honest I tend to be on these things even though I know a million people read it even if they don't reply... but I duno.. it feels good to be completely honest.. instead of just .. mostly honest.. it like kills me deep down to have to hold back sometimes.. when you just can't tell someone something.. when you just have to let them go and let them live their own mistakes through.

soo... Im be organized about this... kinda:

Thought one : Relationships... everyone seems to be so caught up in this 'idea' of how things are sposed to happen.. of how everyone is sposed to be... girls are taught to grow up wishing and dreaming for a prince charming to come whisk them away from their troubles so they can live 'happily ever after'.. they are devoured by the whole 'princess' role... their whole lives revolve around that fairy tale. Women.. our whole lives in the old days were just that.. but more not to be whisked away... but the fact that life didn't exist until you found that man partner... heh oh how times have changed... women are still obsessed with not being alone for the most part.... but because at some point they figured that they should 'prove their power' and that they could 'survive in a man less world' ... haha (good luck with that erm... reproduction?) .. women fell in love with each other.. their needs were better met.. they were proving their 'strength'.. but that's a whole other rant.. for another time.

So .... here we have it.. you want to say that times have gotten worse but really they haven't. People are just a bit more open now... kids got married at 15 and younger back in the day.... kids just have sex and dont get married now. Girls are still caught up in the fairy tale.. so much that they find it in every boy/guy that shows them the least bit of affection.... ohhh he winked at me THIS could be THE ONE!!!! Its what has become the 'one and only' complex... and leads into that oh so wonderful quote .. 'people are stupid.. the will believe anything given the proper motivation.' If you want something bad enough you can make yourself really and truely believe that you have it.... or if you fear something terribly... it works the same way. I hate that.

Then there's the list. (Katy this is of no relation to your lastest xanga entry.. I promise you because it's a completely different situation).... but 'the list'.... the scaled out to the T... of what that perfect guy is sposed to be. Most of the time.. it's a shallow reproduction of cosmo meets underwear model meets sappy love song. There's nothing real about it because it's some whacked out vision based on all these bogus ideas of love. This is why we have the 'nice guys get left behind' syndrome. Because girls aren’t looking for love… they are looking for this ‘image of love’.... an image that they are taught... augh we are socially conditioned to look at love a certain way.. and that’s annoying. We don’t have to be taught to care.. and love.. why do we have to be taught a ideal form? ... there’s nothing ideal to me about a fake relationship based on a love song tho.

… hours later ha,, after a fun convo with katy at that… more ideas ::

I’m almost to the point of not ever wanting to fall into ‘love’ again... because.... who’s to even say that the .. feeling that you think is ‘love’ is really love or just the theatrical version we have been taught. What if it’s just about a care... so deep that it wraps your heart around someone.. like a mothers arms around her child. Everyone, even I myself have said that there are ‘different types’ of love… but.. I think ‘love’ is bigger than sub categories. When you LOVE someone.. you love them. There’s no… ‘in love’ .. there’s just love. Bare with me here on this idea.. You have best mates that you love…. (( this is aggravating me because I am currently typing this in word and it’s CAPITOLIZING everything that I don’t want in CAPS .. and it’s putting squiggly lines under all my phrases.. ‘cuse me mr. Word editor… and its BEEPING inconsistently at me…)) but.. you have best mates that you love.. family that you love..... and then ‘lovers’ that you love… but it’s all the same basic .. love .. care.. trust... that you have for them all.. the base emotion is the same.. then you have the outlying factors...... Attraction... because you can love people and not be attracted to them.. and then there’s that person that you can’t take your eyes off of.. that burning attraction… that interest.. you develop a love for them.. but I duno…. It’s not just ‘being in love’.... I don’t think it can be considered that in my mind ever again… it’s a base of love with other factors that make it something more. Because it’s all really the same. It’s not like ‘oh I love you.. but not as much as I love them.’.. because love is love.. haha there are no degree factors.... I have no idea if that makes any sense haha.. but yea. It’s crazy... I wish I had more time to write on it... but alas I’m at work.

But back to the conversation with Katy. I just…. I’m laskjdglakjegag about the whole ‘relationship’ thing right now.. I feel like I could date randomly for the rest of my life because of this .... Persistency with guys and ‘falling in love’ with me.. and for anyone else that reads this.. no it doesn’t have anything to do with any current situations that I find myself in.. haha… but more the past and how things have constantly happened. I almost avoid commitment of any sort... because I’ve near convinced myself that people are all just in love with the idea of me.. and nothing more.. that’s why the ‘fall so quickly’.. and it’s aggravating because everyone in my life has griped at me for being so ‘hard to love’... bah.

That’s a whole different story too.

I’m tired and I have a headache now.. haha.. I duno.. its because I don’t’ have time to complete all these thoughts... I will so finish this later.. promise.

I put in my two weeks notice today.. woohoo.

I'm glad that I'm getting my life back together... I spent some time thinking this weekend about alot of things... I went out with some old friends.. haha it was good times.. non alcohol induced.. just like.. talking.. and I duno embracing life and nature as they should be lived..

I feel like I'm getting back to me.. the person that I want to be rather than the product of what everyone is trying to make of me.. I have always been a rebel.. but I felt like I was being molded by the things I was rebelling against.. you know the whole.. where people start controlling you because they know you will go against them... like saying yes no yes no yes no yes no yes no no yes... you trick them into saying yes just because they are going to oppose you.

It's not about being a rebel.. it's about making life your own.

I wrote this as a Myspace bulletin a second ago... I duno I just up and decided to write it.. and then in the making decided that I didn't want to be online as much.. and well.. I duno it seemed like a pretty good start for taking a break... but its about something more... way bigger than me deciding to not spend so much time online... its about our lives.. and how they are just passing us by... while we drown ourselves in electronics... =\:

if today was your last day on earth... what would do you?

now take that... and apply it to every day that you wake up.. don't wake up grumbling and griping ... be glad that your heart is still beating because I know most of us don't want to die the people we are right now.

when you laugh.. don't hold back.. because you may never get to do it again.. when you cry.... pour your heart out in every tear drop because it cleanses your soul.

never dwell too long on the bad times.. because it can only be as bad as your greatest good.... they balance each other out... if everything was good all the time.. those 'sweet' moments.. wouldn't be half as treasured.

dance at every possible moment even if you can't find the beat.. sing loud even if out of key... because it's about freedom baabbbyyy hahaa and music is something thats free for everyone.. and Wish You Were Here... will always be the most amazing chill out with mates song.

don't do anything in life just because someone told you to or wants you to.. parents.. friends... family... they don't walk your path... make sure they all know that.. every decision you make.. is your own.

most of all .. appreciate everything in your life.. every rain storm.. every sunny day.. every ache and pain... smile and laugh.. every time someone says your name.. everytime your favorite song comes on the radio.. every hug from your annoying relatives... it's all apart life man.. our lives... our times...

there are alot of people that want to look down on our generation.. because we are the 'lost ones' .. searching for a purpose... for a different life that has become the norm... so many people have lived lives trying to be 'different' that.. and everyone has forgotten what it's like to be yourself.

take a step back ... make sure your hair is the colour it is because it's how you love it... the clothes you wear are the ones that fit you best.. and each time you speak.. its your own honest word.. and not a recording you have memorized.

these are our times... I don't want to grow old and be known as apart of the generation that didn't make a stand for life... for what they believed in... a group of people that sold their souls on the interent for a buck ninety five and couldn't even buy a movie ticket from it.. haha..

soo... today is your last day on earth... are you going to live it as a robot? or are you going to free yourself.. and live like we are supposed to... free and full of passion to make our lives our own.

rockon
tabitha

I didn't really understand the whole JB community thing until about 5 minutes ago, I don't dabble much with LJ but I'm learning =P.. it's got to go through a moderating thing before it gets posted to the group.. so I wanted to post it here just in case it doesn't get approved or something.. :

I was talking with some mates about JB today on a forum.. haha by everyone I meet I have been deemed the 'biggest Jeffy fan they have ever known'.. sometimes I wonder how it is possible to be so in love with a persons music.. have it touch you so.. and change your life.

I remember when my Grace legacy edition cd/dvd came in the mail and I sat in my room with the windows open... night time summer rain pouring on the outside... I slipped my head phones on and played the dvd on my computer.. and I think my tears flooded the parts the rain never touched... I don't really know if I cried because he's no longer with us save for in our hearts.... or if I cried just because .. I knew.. I felt... the music became apart of me.. it was apart of me .. and suddenly I was seeing the man that made it.. it wasn't just shy pictures... it was hand shuffles and down cast eyes.. that little half smile.. and laugh.. seeing his lip curl up from time to time when he sang.. his eyes squint and the passion exploding from his body..

I was just amazed.. and I still am... no song can be over played... no video over watched... no story over read... no interview over talked about... each time I hear him... each time I speak of him.. I still get that eerie chill... an a couple of tears in the corners of my eyes.. and a flutter in my heart that makes me understand life.. emotion... love.. hate.. anger.. passion .. fear.. a little bit more.

(sorry this is a bit long, I could seriously talk about JB for days)

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

ehhhh.. I have been doing great all week.. but its like suddenly.. something is wrong in my brain.

I miss Erik.. maybe I just miss having someone.. I'm tired of being alone.. I just want to go to Eriks flat this weekend and shake him .. he's got this rat faced girl now.. I wish he would stop being so afraid of me.. he keeps going after people that don't love him because he's afraid of being in love ... and augh.. all I want is for him to be happy and me to be happy..

BLAH.

I'm just kind of stretched.. I have random friends here and there most of which could seriously give a fuck less about me.. yea that kind of hurts... last weekend .. like well friday night and then we went to the movies on saturday.. I hung out with the peepz.. and it was fun... but I duno.. it's almost like I can't trust them alot of times.... there's a situation with some of the people in it and I found out the real actual story like sunday night about what's REALLY going on rather than what they told everyone was going on .. I duno I seriously just .. I don't know who I can trust anymore.. that's a bad feeling.

I would rather be in a room full of liars that admitt to being liars rather than a room full liars trying to make you believe they are honest.... you can always trust dishonest people to be dishonest.

I duno.. I have thought about not going tomorrow night .. to hang out and stuff.. I duno if that would help.. probably not... I just wish I had more people I can actually trust.

I started writing on my xanga again.. I duno I like the layout of it.. =P maybe I'm just a nerd.. or maybe..... I write too much?

entry :

Life is slowly becoming something that I enjoy again... not that I didn't before.. but now.. there's just something.. different... I can't really explain it more than that..

My phone doesn't ring off the hook.. and I'm not driving as fast anymore.. maybe I'm just finally traveling at the speed of life... instead of running too fast.. or walking too slow.

After watching how people live and work for most of my life... I realized that most people either sit and wait for life to happen... or they go and make a rush of it all and miss it... few.. very few.. can stand up and walk side by side with every situation... unafraid.. I always wanted to be one of those people.. and now I think I am.

I also have lil icons now for my different moods.... haha lovely sure I know you all do but *is new to the game*... I'm in love with this JB one.. god I adore that man.

I think I just don't use LJ that much because I seriously don't understand it at all.. help me =(

So I can't get on myspace at work anymore that kind of sucks.. esp when I told everyone to ask me for directions to the 'get together' tonight if they wanted to come.. augh.. I don't even know if I am going though.. because life has just been insane anymore.

I have been hanging out with Erik almost every weekend.. and like .. I duno yesterday I realized I hadn't heard anything from him since Sunday which I was proud of myself for not wanting to talk to him but then worried at the same time so I txt'd him and asked if he was still alive and he said yes, all was good and that was the end of it.

I have been talking to Aaron more .. kind of.. I miss him alot .. he's been so weird lately like all he talks about is wanting to die.. and he's serious about it.. he hates what he does but he can't do anything about it .. he's in the ARMY until like OCT 07.. so he can't do anything.. but it doesn't mean he can just give up

And now my GMAIL isn't working and it's pissing me off.. this is bullshit.. I duno what today has got to be so stupid.. I might just go home and sleep... I'm fucking tired of running around doing things with people .. go here because they want me to and do this because they want me to.. tired of it..

updating.... haha like a year later or something.. bah

I want to go play in the rain.. I'm in love with the line 'god is in the rain' from V for Vendetta .. seriously I'm in love with this movie it was so amazing.. if you haven't seen it.. do .. now.. like right now.

I should be doing my job but I can't.. my head has been spinning all day.. running over what I'm doing wrong.. whats so horrible about me... why I can't just have a normal life for once... blah blah.

The jesttt is me and my ex boyfriend broke up the day before Easter (which was in March last year).. last year... and well we started being friends again around like Thanksgiving or something of last year... and Feb/March of this year.. for some reason I started having feelings for him again... and him, I. Which is complete bollucks I always said I wouldn't have feelings for him again.. but they are stronger than I would have imagined..

Problem is.. I think he's running.. he's gone through girl after girl after girl since we started being friends again.. he's got horrid taste and if they don't break his heart he breaks theres.. and it's all this insane cycle.. and it hurts..

I just feel like there's something I'm doing that he hates.. because one minute it's like we are together and the next we are completely seperate... I miss him.. but at the same time I'm running just as far as he is...

To make things worse I'm battling with not having feelings for someone else.. mostly because it would never work out.. distance.. and a load of other things.. =( but I can't help it... agh. I hate emotions sometimes.

well I hardly keep up with this anymore.. not even my blogspot..

it's good to remember things in life... sometimes documenting things allows you to look back and say oh I remember that.. or see how something made you feel at the time .. and then the change that has happened in you since... but.. if you can't remember it on your own .. is it really worth the memory found in these?

my life has overcomplicated itself again.. I'm not really sure what to do with where I have gotten myself.

I have a feeling it's going to end with me leaving again... heh yet another group of awesome people .. that will just be a bunch of memories.

I can't decide if it's worse having all your friends die... or having them just not be apart of your life... sure when they are dead you no longer see them.. hear their laughs nothing of the sort.. there is no turning back... but when.. you just leave... they some what haunt you... you see the people they bring in to take your place.. and it hurts... to know that you can't be apart of..

sure I would not wish either.. but it was just a thought.

I'm a drifter anyways, aye? Never settle with any amount of people too long.. don't want to get attached or anything.. that always turns out bad.. I'm not a good person to have around for long periods of time.... just long enough to set you free and make you want to do something with your life... long enough to help you sort though the junk and find your direction.. if I stay too long.. everyone gets hurt.

If I stay to long.. people fall in love with me.. and I can't love them back... if I stay too long.. I dont' help anymore I only hurt.. I only complicate things.. I only tear things apart..

Sometimes I hate me for what I am.. sometimes I hate love for what it does to others..

Sometimes I wish I could just move far away so these shadows and ghosts no longer haunted me... I would wish that I could conquer them here.. but conquering isn't really the problem.. because it's me.. it's apart of who I am.. and no one hear understands.

I duno.. I can't seem to decide whats really worth it anymore

Connor: How far are we going to take this, Da?
Il Duce: The question is not how far. The question is, do you possess the constitution, the depth of faith, to go as far as is needed?

Needless to say .. I was moved.

How easy it is to just go on about your way saying that you believe in such.. yet acting through that faith is a rarity.

Sometimes I find myself .. not really afraid to speak.. but more not wanting to be bothered with it... but that time has come and gone.

What is the faith of man if he would not speak to save his soul... what is the faith of man if he would hold his tongue to avoid cross words in this life yet offer himself to a eternity of pain.

WHAT is the FAITH of MAN.. if he should frown upon the evil in this world and yet settle with his indifference, resting well in that he is still 'good'.

Apathy is no solution... not acting is a action in itself.. not speaking is a choice on it's own.. in doing nothing you are doing something.

In this know yourself .. for every action there is a reaction.. and for every inaction there is one as well.. every tongue that is held .. holds one from salvation.. and every act undone the same.. rest well with that.

So... it seems that when I am at my best everyone else around me just kind of falls apart... I'm trying to get everyone put back together.. but ahhhhh heh, it's so hard to know what to do..

Zen Calender today - 'How could the drops of water know themselves to be a river? Yet the river flows on. - Antoine De Saint-Exupéry'

Just kind of let everyone that actually reads this.. think about that.. because it actually relates to alot of whats going on..

From myspace:

You’ll never see the courage I know
Its colors’ richness won’t appear within your view
I’ll never glow - the way that you glow
Your presence dominates the judgements made on you

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch; I see from greater heights
I understand what I am still too proud to mention - to you

You’ll say you understand, but you don’t understand
You’ll say you’d never give up seeing eye to eye
But never is a promise, and you can’t afford to lie

You’ll never touch - these things that I hold
The skin of my emotions lies beneath my own
You’ll never feel the heat of this soul
My fever burns me deeper than I’ve ever shown - to you

You’ll say, don’t fear your dreams, it’s easier than it seems
You’ll say you’d never let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise and you can’t afford to lie

You’ll never live this life that I live
I’ll never live the life that wakes me in the night
You’ll never hear the message I give
You’ll say it looks as though I might give up this fight

But as the scenery grows, I see in different lights
The shades and shadows undulate in my perception
My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights
I realize what I am now too smart to mention - to you

You’ll say you understand, you’ll never understand
I’ll say I’ll never wake up knowing how or why
I don’t know what to believe in, you don’t know who I am
You’ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry
But never is a promise and I’ll never need a lie

That song is so beautiful.. and... so parallel to my life.. it's amazing.

We each are different... with our own strengths and weaknesses... points that we hurt and times when we are happy.. and to each they are completely different.. we all hold parts that no one will ever see.. no one will understand... some more than others, but everyone has them.

There are some parts of your life just left unmentioned.. because no one will be able to appreciate those times as much as yourself.. there will always be those out there looking to judge you... because they don't understand.. and they never will.. because they don't have to.. and even those that try.... they just can't.. because all of the things that have led you to your own understanding... to your wisdom... are you own life experiences.... knowledge is learned... wisdom... is well.. experience.

I duno.. I have a million and one things to write here... but .. I won't.

1) Using your current initials, choose a different name for yourself.
TML= Tomi Marie Lyric... haha I duno just randomness off the top of my head.. I like my name as is.

2) If you were not born in your era, when would you want to be born and why?
The Medieval Times... mainly because I just lurv all things knightly... especially with Merlin and the Knights Of The Round Table. =) < agreed.... or born in the late 50's early 60's

3) If you ran a store, what would you sell?
Music... and books.. heh

4) What part in a movie would you love to play?
the free spirit.

5) In your opinion, why do people suck?
selfishness

6) If you had your own province, what would you put on your new quarter?
the little symbol I draw on eerything.

7) What's the oldest article of clothing you own?
tshirts from when I was a kid.. shoes the same.. haha my size hasn't changed much from the 8th grade.. =\

8) What piece of furniture have you replaced the most?
erm.. my bed I guess

9) What instrument do you wish you could be more than great at?
piano

10) Record, Tape or CD?
erm.. records for the music thats on them... cds for their sound.... and they are easier

11) What do you think would be the best concert ever?
Jeff Buckley at a little coffee shop like Sin-e or something.

12) What's the best part of your favorite movie?
erm.. I have a bunch of favorite movies.. but the one that just comes off at the top of my head is the part in Almost Famous on the bus when they all sing 'Tiny Dancer'.. that movie is amazing.

13) What do you think is the most overrated candy ever?
Those heart candies that you see everywhere on Valentines day.. augh

14) If you were writing out your will, who would you give your CD collection to?
my little brother.. of course so he can rock the ages

15) If you could only debate two topics the rest of your life, what would they be?
religion in every form.. and the meaning of life.

16) Out of your friends, who would you say you are most jealous of, artistically?
G for his writing, and carole for her drawing..

17) Most jealous of, intellectually?
erm... I don't really have any amazingly intellectual friends.. maybe my grandpa because he is full of knowledge.. its so crazy all the things he konws.

18) What do you collect?
erm.. cd's to an extent.. I used to collect rocks.. I have a small library of books.. who knows.

19) What is broken that you have, that you wish was fixed?
my futon is bent and it makes sleeping a bit weird.. my car has a dent =( .. and my computer always has this error that I can't seem to fix everytime I start it up.

20) What do you do when you're home sick?
sleep

21) Why does this survey rock?
eh.. who said it rocked?

22) Story behind your name?
Tabitha is a character in the bible that Peter.. I think ? raised from the dead.... also the daughters name on the tv show Bewitched.. mom heard it .. loved it.. found out it was in the bible .. loved it more.. Dad wanted to have my middle name as Hope.. but mom didn't want me to be made fun of for it so they settled with Michelle because his name is Michael.. so it's like the female version of that.

23) Current favorite article of clothing?
my brown jacket

24) Line from the last thing you wrote to someone?
email to Katy 'I think I'm bi polar.. seriously I do.. maybe just not that.. confused.. is a better word.'

25) Four best friends?
I don't have best friends.. they are just a pretty little name to make some friends feel more loved that others.. four friends.. = carole, g, robbio, katy

26) Favorite way to waste time?
eh.. driving around without a destination.

27) Last thing you bought yourself?
a hat and a leather wrist cuff online.

rockon
tabitha

I drove tonight... got lost somewhere in Norcross/Roswell.. it was nice to drive without a destination.. and then.. say.. okay .. I'm going to go home.

It's nice to have a home to come back to.. people.. that care about you.

I feel bad for Erik.. because he can't seem to find something to make him happy in life.. he found it momentarily in a little Columbian girl.. but now she is driving him crazy.. because it was only momentary bliss.. I'm trying to be a friend to him.. but I don't want to over step my boundaries or anything.. because sometimes.. boundaries are necessary.

I know what it's like to feel like he does.. but anything that I tell him.. he's almost to stubborn to listen to.. but I think he has realized that I genuinely want to help him.. that I'm not doing any of this for any kind of reward or payback.. I just don't like seeing him so confused.. struggling so.. blindly... he acts like he has it all figured out.. but you can tell through the shaking in his voice.. the fumbles with his words... that he's so lost...

heh, and I cry for him.. because I hate seeing the person he has made himself... the just endless ... battle he's fighting.. I don't think he even realizes that he's in a tunnel... running into the walls.. breaking his nails trying to climb to the top.. only to find that he's on the floor again.. because there is no top to a tunnel.. only a round door way... a doorway to a door a million miles down the road... he's got to get up and refuse to live in the dark... refuse to continue screaming in a place that no one can hear him.. he's lost the point of life... and his greatest fear is to live a pointless life.. granted... both things hold completely different meanings.. yet. they are one in the same.. in order to lead a life with a purpose.. you must first understand how to live.

Some times I wish we hung out more.. just so I could keep him company.. since he picks such weird people to rest his time with.. but eh I don't think he really wants to hang out much.. maybe from a fear of me? In the end everyone fears me.. because they are angered... frustrated because they don't understand me.. don't know what I'm about..

It's kind of the same way with Joe.. he still blames me for random things.. saying that I'm not 'over' us.. but he just has a hatred for me.. that speaks louder that the words he uses to try to cover it.. but... I don't even remember anything from him.. he dwells on certain words spoken by me.. but I tend to brush away things in my life that don't help my future... he's just kind of a vacant memory until he comes here to act like he knows me and rant on me.. try to make me feel horrible just because he doesn't like what he has become..

I hate when people act like they know me.. because most people have barely scratched the surface as to who I am... people may know parts of my story.. but they don't hold the scars that I have from living it... people may have heard about my pain.. but they don't have the tear stains on their face and shirt... people may have shared laughter with me talking about the good times... but their heart wasn't lifted as my burdens were gone.. people may hear my story.. but they don't feel the freedom that I hold... in order to know me.. you would have to experience me.. and well.. that is something that just doesn't happen in a few months.. probably not even in a few years.. as I have changed completely from last year to this.. in order to know someone.. you must live the rest of your life with them.. so I doubt anyone will ever be burdened with my story.

But... I duno.. it seems that the only way to forget me is to hate me.. as it has always been.. and well I'm okay with that.. I'm used to being alone.. not that I cherish my solitude.. but I have learned to appreciate it.. just like driving tonight.. there is a certain peace in solitude... but also.. in the company of friends.

I doubt the people in my youth group will ever truly realize how much I appreciate all of them.. how much of an effect they have on me.. on New Years I went off to the side.. kind of to recoperate from what had just happened and the fact that I was back around all of them... part in mourning for the man in my life I lost on New Years a long time before... and part because I was scared and alone even around them.. because I didn't understand how people could just trust each other so... I couldn't grasp what it meant to be accepted into a group other than that of the old one that I was apart of many years ago... or.. how a person could accept you back after you had broken all ties.. =\ but... after having my time alone.. they all came and surrounded me.. heh I'm crying again.. but they all got around me... and we prayed... and there was a peace there... a strength... a unity... a emotion stronger than love.. it was so amazing... just to feel.. to be in the middle of... to be surrounded by... to be accepted into..

heh, I had written on myspace that I was going to go write in a notebook because the feelings I had were too personal to be written online.. but.. since when have I ever held back? I duno sometimes I find that I write for others more than I write for myself.. because I want others to see that you can overcome.. that burdens aren't too heavy.. that life is worth living and there are still things worth fighting for.. and well it's my testimony to the world.. staying alive... and writing my story.. so the world feels less alone in there own torment.. less alone in their solitude.... less alone in the silence.

But.. now I think I'm just going to go to bed.. rest peacefully with all that I have gained in writing this.... you know speaking forth things and writing them out is a confirmation of sorts.. just like.. no one can really be sure that they love someone until they have said it.. or heard it.. sometimes you don't believe you can do something until you say it outloud.. people don't always believe what they see until someone else says that they see it as well.. you can be feeling completely sick and tell yourself that you are going to be okay.. and get up feeling fine.. or... you can be feeling fine and claim to have an ache or pain.. and it appear instantly as your brain listens to the words you say. A person can see a man shot... but with a silver tongue you can convince them that the bullet never touched him.. even as the blood drips to the floor... the tongue is a powerful thing.. oh so powerful.

I just went on a paragraph and a couple of lines more than I wanted to =P.. g'night all.

Slowly getting my life back together... and it feels.. nice.

Sometimes you got to compromise.. to stay alive... but more so... to feel alive.

I have kind of been running in circles for a while now.. chasing something that I couldn't see... running away from the things that I could... got back into my old ways and habits.. forgetting why I left them at the start.... but I'm not chasing anything or running from anything anymore.

Some people say that admitting you are wrong is one of the biggest chips off your pride... heh but I think being honest... gives you the most pride.

I think I'm going to happy.. happy and stable... and just okay with life.. and how things have worked... I think I have found a friend that will stay by my side and that's good... you always need a friend.. more than a lover... sometimes more than a family.. even though both are nice to have as well..

Your family is always there for you.. to help you pick up the pieces.. and sort yourself... but your friends.. are there to help you put the pieces back together.. even if they are apart of they reason things fell apart..

I heard someone say one day 'I will always chose my friends over a guy/girl' and I can understand that.. because you build a love for your friends... an understanding... an appreciation... a bond... that sometimes is stronger than almost anything else.

I had found it impossible for a while to trust other people.. just because of the bonds that death had broke with friends before.. it wasn't that I didn't want to trust them.. or that they didn't deserve my trust... it was just a hard road to go down again.. just to lose someone else in my life... but life is full of hard roads.. that we all must travel... and well it's better to have someone there with you.. than to travel them alone.

And for once .. in a long time.. I don't really feel alone anymore... and that.. is one of the best feelings in the world.

Maybe it's life... maybe it's something else... maybe the need for something thats just not there.. or that is there.. and I can't have it.. either way.. I'm tired.

I'm worn from knowing things that I shouldn't... from experiencing things most just dream about.. or .. fear to have come true.

I have a story.. I don't quite know if it's a good one.. but it's a story all the same..

I'm not afraid of who I am.. but people fear me.. because they don't understand the sea of possiblities of who I could be... some think I'm an open book.. but they don't know what really lies inside.

I think I just need to take a break... not from life.. but from the people that try to make my life something that it's not.. something that it won't ever be.

Sometimes.. I just want to be happy.. sometimes I just want to be free... but most of the time .. it's those wants.. that bind me.

I'm not beautiful .. but sometimes I have a pretty face..

My are are too big.. but they see everything..

My hair is a mess... but it's considered my best feature..

My personality is too much to take... and it keeps me alone.

I'm not a ghost.. but sometimes I still sleep with them.

I'm not alive... but only half past dead..

The clothes I wear... I wear for me..

No one else sees them .. quite like I do.

Rags or finer gowns... niether matters when your under ground.

I have a dream... it keeps me sane..

I have a vision .. it keeps me alive.

I have a fear... but it's not to die..

I'm not a scholar... but I know a few things..

Somethings in life... shouldn't be understood.

I think I'm one of those things.. or maybe that's just the thought..

That lets me sleep .. at night.

I have taken a liking to Damien Rice.. I duno why.. his music just speaks to me in a way that I can't explain.. alot like Jeff Buckley.. but in a different sorts..

and that ^ just made me smile

Older chests reveal themselves Like a crack in a wall Starting small, and grow in time And we all seem to need the help Of someone else To mend that shelf Too many books Read me your favorite line

Papa went to other lands And he found someone who understands The ticking, and the western man's need to cry He came back the other day I know some things in life may change And some things they stay the same

Like time, there's always time On my mind So pass me by, I'll be fine Just give me time

Older gents sit on the fence With their cap in hand Looking grand They watch their city change Children scream, or so it seems, Louder than before Out of doors, and into stores with bigger names Mama tried to wash their faces But these kids they lost their graces And daddy lost at the races too many times

She broke down the other day I know some things in life may change But some things they stay the same

Like time, there's always time On my mind So pass me by, I'll be fine Just give me time Time, there's always time On my mind Pass me by, I'll be fine Just give me time

I keep trying to figure out something to write.. but my mind is blank..
or just filled with thoughts that I don't feel like sharing..
thoughts that I can't find the words to share..
I'm tired of living this life as I have.. everyone thinks I have been successfull...
but I can't seem to see it.. all I know is that I'm driving myself insane....
and if success comes at the end of sanity I am on the right road...
god save me from myself